Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
