You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
