I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
