I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize