Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
