Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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