Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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