I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
