I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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