you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
