My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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