New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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