The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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