The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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