is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
