i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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