Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I pour the whiskey from now on
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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