so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
