I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
