I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
