my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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