I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
