I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
