Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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