My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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