You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
