did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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