All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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