i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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