um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize