New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
