my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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