Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
