she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
