yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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