No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
