why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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