Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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