I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
