see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
