I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
