we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
