I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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