I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
