Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
