Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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