i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
