So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
