The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
