so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
