I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
