Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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