A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
