I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
