weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
