Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
