It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
