Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she told me i tasted like america
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
there is puke in my bra ... again
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