if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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