I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
