I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
