Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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