I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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